I had the good fortune of meeting guest editor Christine Ohlman (aka “The Beehive Queen”) when I was doing mornings with Brian Smith on WPLR in New Haven. She was smart , funny… and I was sitting in the studio with the vocalist for the Saturday Night Live Band!
In Episode 3, Christine posed the question of “how to deal with someone who abuses your personal space in any way and is … unkind to you”.
(To me, this begs the question, ‘who in the world would be unkind to the Queen?!?)
What do you think: How should you deal with someone who is snarky with you?
webguygary says
if it’s online snarkiness, I usually tell them they should log off before their mommy comes home and catches them using her computer.
Bruce says
I like to employ the time-honored “I know you are, but what am I?”.
Bruce says
That is an excellent point.
webguygary says
the problem w/ fighting snark with more snark is it almost always de-volves into a flame war. best practice is to just ignore it entirely.
Kim Grehn says
Being snarky is everywhere from sitcoms to cable news to the web. It’s presented as being cool and intelligent. More likely, it is a defensive barrier. The messenger who is being snarky is being aggressive. There’s a motive there somewhere. I’ve made some snarky comments. It usually happens when I’m annoyed about something. I end up regretting it.
I was happy to see Mark Halperin has been suspended indefinitely by MSNBC for calling President Obama a “dick” live on air. This kind of comment is encouraged as contributors to cable news discussion shows are paid to be on the edge to drive up ratings. MSNBC did the right thing but, they are responsible for encouraging snarkiness.
Personally, I find it hard to respond right away. That’s because I think of my comebacks about two days later. When the comments go to far, I’ve been known to walk away. Maybe I’m still alive because I don’t respond.
Jessica Beganski says
I find that responding to someone with a similar comment just makes me look as low or even lower than the person making the snarky comment.
I use two approaches – I’ll be so sticky, sweet nice to them that it is obnoxious. Or, I ignore completely.
You can’t argue with stupid…
webguygary says
one time I was with my dad ordering from a fast food drive thru, and he got all snarky with the person taking our order, and I decided I didn’t want to order anything for fear of what they might do to my food. when he realized his poorly placed comments, we pulled out of line and went elsewhere. always consider the ramifications before you verbally snipe someone.
Geoff Meissner says
It is discouraging. Almost seems like people don’t want to listen or understand anymore and jump to ‘snarkyness’.
Actually I’ve always called this labeling. Politicians do it all the time. If you don’t like the policy label it in a negative way (anti-family, anti-business, anti-choice, etc) and then attach that instead. It causes us not to really listen to each other any more and that gets discouraging.
My son’s scout troop recently decided to purchase rifles for the boys to do shooting merit badge. Seemed a waste of money because the council provides this anyway, and the liability and other concerns are huge, especially since a church is the sponsor of the troop would be listed as the ‘owner’. I went to the adult committee meeting about this and opposed it, and I found myself labeled and personally attacked rather than listened to. It was hurtful and discouraging.
The genius of America has always been compromise. But to compromise we have to be able to listen to opposite sides of different arguments and be able to see a way through it. Seems like there’s lots of yelling and screaming and very little listening going on anymore.
My mother always told me “People who throw mud, lose ground.”
Peace all.
Bruce says
Geoff, Gary, Jessica and Kim: You can’t see it, but I’m giving you all a “standing o”!
Great comments, all around…
Kim Grehn says
David Denby on the rise of snarkiness. And Snarky comments as racism;
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0QKOpcETmjc&feature=share
Binnie Klein says
I heard a suggestion once that when someone is snarky/mean to you, you should simply stare at them with the face created by their comment, sort of mirroring it back to them. And be silent for a moment. That takes some discipline.
For a more “academic” & post-modern retort, I think of feminist theorist Judith Butler. At one of her talks, she reputedly said, in response to an audience question: “I refuse to answer that question due to the hostility of its subtext.”
Snark is everywhere, and dealing with it interpersonally is tricky. If you call someone out on their hostility, you may be met with “why are you so sensitive?” There is a cultural trend of people not being accountable for what comes out of their mouths (“I was just talking/joking. What’s the big deal?”)
Decide on what to do on a case-by-case basis, based on your relationship with the person, your history with them, and what you want to risk. Speaking the truth about your instincts and reaction can lead to a real conversation and you will get closer OR you’re going to have some conflict and move on.
Sue says
I’ve heard that the best way to deal with it is to defend yourself in a calm, assertive way. Assertive means speaking up for yourself without getting angry or aggressive or snarky back, which usually only leads to the situation escalating.
A lot of snarky people are passive agressives who will turn the tables and play victim if you react in a negative way (by getting angry, snarky back, or even acting hurt). They will then act like you’re the bad guy for being offended at something they said and sometimes they won’t let it go and continue to ‘punish’ you for coming back at them. They get to pick a fight and blame your for it.
They feel powerful if they can put you down and feel that you care about their opinion. So, if you do get upset you’ve actually played into their hands. You can’t let them feel that their opinion of you matters, because that’s what they want.
So, example: Your friend says something like “I wish you could afford to have a second house on a lake near mine, it would be fun”.
Of course you are going to feel put down, but instead of getting mad or staying quiet and wishing later you’d said something snarky back, come back with an answer like “We’ve discussed it and while it would be nice to have a lake house (you aren’t lying and saying you would hate it) that would mean I’d have to work full time and I really don’t want to do that. I enjoy my time off too much, that’s the most important thing to me.
Now you have told the person exactly why you have made the ‘decision’ to not have a lake house, why you aren’t ‘jealous’ and how you are happy with your life. You also made them understand that you are entitled to your opinion and likes and dislikes because people like this want to judge you by their standards but don’t want you to have your own. You have to make it clear that you do have your own.
What can they say after that?
Well, I guess they could say- I wish your husband made more money so you guys could have a house on the lake- but in that case you can just come back with nicely explaining that you are both very happy with the type of work you do and that means more to you than material things. Just explain yourself honestly and in a nice way (not defensive).
Another example: someone ‘analyzes’ your personality and tell you what is wrong with you. You listen politely and then say “That’s an interesting theory, but I don’t think that’s true of me” in a pleasant voice.
Sometimes you can just ‘joke’ back with someone.
Another good way to let someone know they’ve been rude is to simply stare at them for a long minute (someone already suggested this) with a shocked look on your face and then just when they think you are going to blow up, break into a big smile and make a ‘joking’ sarcastic remark.
I saw Prince Charles do this to a reporter who asked him how it felt to be at a battlefield where our ancestors kicked his ancestors butts. He did the long stare, broke into a big smile and said “OH, absolutely fascinated! in this tone of voice with just the right amount of sarcasm. You couldn’t really prove he was being sarcastic, but you knew he was. LOL!!!
Eileen Kaplan says
In the event I feel someone is being snarky with me on the phone….I get my real concerned voice plugged in and ask them “Are you feeling alright today?…They are taken by surprise….and they say, “Why?”….I say because you don’t sound well….they are then calm and charming…….
RK says
Hi,
I need your advice on how to deal with my jealous friend. She makes snarky comments about my dress, my looks all the time. Example: I got a new hair cut and as soon as she saw me she commented that she got frightened and in front of so many people. If she did not like me hair cut she should have told that she liked my previous hair cut better or this hair cut does not suit me. I get really angry in such occasions. It hurts me a lot. I don’t want to ignore the problem because it doesn’t not go away until I deal with it.
Please advice on how to approach her comments.
Thanks.
jon says
I know I am three years too late, and I am not sure if you are still friends with that person, but search “Narcissistic Personality Disorder”.
Your friend acted the way she did because felt threatened that you have what she doesn’t have.
The best way to deal with the pain is to be firm with your own personal values, you know inside that whatever you have are true.
They are not the same made up values of what she believes you to be.
Also, the reason that its so infuriating is because of a manipulation technique that they use called Gaslighting, which causes you to question your own values and your sanity. There are other ways of coping with Narcissists that you may find as you google search it (I’m not sure if I’m allowed to post links).
I hope I’ve helped, Best of luck!