The latest installment of the Real Life Survival Guide took place at Caseus Fromagerie Bistro in New Haven where the conversation was like fine, aged Roquefort. The gourmet assortment of guests paired well with each other and brought unparalleled flavor to such topics as gardening, dating, money management, computer hacks and cleanliness. The discussion was sharp, bold and rich, never bitter, acidic or dull. But like a cold, hard, brick of Velveeta here I come to sully the cheese tray and wrap it all up. So grab your crackers and open up your finest box wine, it’s time for the breakdown.

The first course was the spicy question; Will Don Draper from AMC’s hit show, Mad Men, cheat on his new wife?  Duo rightly pegged Don’s extreme self loathing as the indicator of his future behavior and Liz Larkin felt that this is the biggest question of the whole season. So,Will Don Cheat on his new, French Canadian wife, Meagan? Does a Gibson have Vodka and a pearl onion in it? Is Lucky Strike tobacco toasted? Should Christina Hendricks be considered a natural wonder of the world? To all these questions, I answer a resounding, Oui.

From a fictional, drunken, lothario, the chat turned to real life romantic relationships. The question was; how can someone be really clear about the kind of person they are looking for?  Janice Christopher felt that people too often just wing it when choosing a mate and don’t think hard enough about what they really want. Bruce felt that you should try to know who you are before deciding what you want and both Janice and Bruce agreed that personal authenticity was the key to finding a mate. Jason Sobocinski, the proprietor of Caseus, believes that dating has become over thought and that on-line dating is destroying excitement, reducing chemistry and taking away the fun of meeting someone new. How do you decide if the person you just met is right for you? Do what I did. I call it stress testing. Trap your significant other in an elevator, hike the Grand Canyon without water and tell them you’re going on a beach vacation but then make them drive through the jungle so you can see Mayan ruins instead. If after these, and many other torments, they still want to marry you and you still want to marry them, you might just be perfect for each other.

The next serving was a healthy helping of fresh herbs and vegetables. The group talked about growing food on your own. Janice proffered that technology makes people long to return to the soil and to grow things but Susannah Bailin and Elizabeth Larkin must have missed the calling and steer clear of gardening. Duo finds great joy in picking potatoes, Jason has an herb Garden on the roof of Caseus, and Bruce finds growing vegetables extremely gratifying. I quit farming when my beautiful bacon crop was decimated by pork weevils.

Next up was a little something for the pallet; house cleaning. Who should you clean for? When should you do it? What does it say about you? Who is better at cleaning, men or women? Should you use a leaf blower? How about a tiny leaf blower?  If someone made a tiny leaf blower what would it sound like? Yes, that was an actual question.

For the entrée; the question was, what advice should you give to young people about handling money? Duo just wants his kids to get some money and start from there, Jason said, “stay out of debt”, Janice advises researching the range of prices on an object, Elizabeth uses commitment devices to take the money out of her check before she can spend it and Colin Caplan launders his money. I taught my kids the fine art of being a grifter. If you’re driving a Mercedes Benz in New Haven and you “run over” a redheaded kid, don’t worry. Just throw him a few bucks. He’s one of mine and he’s fine.

Lastly, the nerds served up their best computer shortcut dessert.  They started with a bowl full of bookmarks and RSS feeds, filled it with Google reader, drizzled Safari over it and topped it off with a heaping of iCloud.  With everyone full of knowledge and information they went to go home but The HAL 9000 wouldn’t let them. “HAL open the doors.” said Bruce, HAL spoke in a smooth, soulless monotone, “I’m sorry Bruce, but I can’t let you leave, you’ll have to stay here…forever.” “Noooooo!” Bruce’s cry rang out into deep space. They are still at Caseus, eating an enormous monolith of cheese and solving all of mankind’s problems.

Spring is here, the season of renewal. The weather is warm, the flowers are blooming and the winter doldrums have officially melted away. It’s a great time to assess your garbage, be it, physical or mental, and give it the ol’ heave ho. That’s what made IKEA in New Haven such a perfect fit to host Episode 42 of the Real Life Survival Guide. It’s a little known fact that in addition to giving the world IKEA, the Swedish also invented spring cleaning. Over a thousand years ago, every spring, Swedish Vikings would get in their longboats, sail to where you live, and then take away all your stuff. Free of charge! And just like the Viking berserkers of yore, this week’s guest editors tackled problems, crushed them into submission and then celebrated over a lavish feast. So grab your Allen wrenches, pile up a big plate of fermented herring and read along as I break down Episode 42.

The first issue to be slain was spring cleaning. Guest editor Paudi Barry lives in a shoebox so he cleans throughout the year. Doug Tenaglia goes big and rents a dumpster.  Being a bit of a hoarder, I’m just happy when I clear away my pile of junk and only find a dozen or so kittens living underneath it. Brent Robertson discussed the horrible task of eliminating your kids’ playthings. The Toy Story franchise has made every parent leery of throwing away toys. Try to throw away a Barbie Doll without hearing Sarah McLaughlin’s tear jerker, When She Loved Me, playing in your head. I don’t want to throw away my son’s Optimus Prime just to find out that he was a caring, sentient, being with a loving transformer family. So the toys stay…and watch our every move.

The next skirmish was self care. Even with Dr. Harry Schwartz in the house, much of the discussion was spent praising bacon. We did learn that Duo doesn’t dig doctors but does dig potato chips and Suzi Craig is trying to adopt a healthier diet by slowly adding new foods and subtracting the unhealthy ones. She also explained the fine art of pairing new foods with old standbys.  If you want kids to eat bean patties, pair them with tater tots. Napoleon Dynamite keeps tater tots in his pants and so should we all.

The group then ran amok on car salesmen. The question was, how do you make the experience of buying a car a good one? The consensus was to go into the dealership knowing as much as you possibly can about your purchase. My answer; bring a flask. Every time the salesperson lies, do a shot. The experience should become more pleasurable within a few minutes.

Rowing for home, our radio marauders tackled whether or not our addiction to technology is bringing about the demise of the family dinner. Should we blame the iPhone and the Nintendo DS or are families just too busy in today’s world to find the time to sit and eat dinner together? While opinions varied, there was agreement that anytime you can get everyone together, be it for breakfast or at a restaurant, then that time is special.

By the hammer of Thor, we have made it home.  We conquered new lands, utterly annihilated modern problems and pleased the gods who dwell high in radio Valhalla. My work is done; you can now set me adrift in a burning longboat.

At Carmine’s Tuscan Grill in New Haven, four “double X chromosome units,” otherwise known as Deborah Pan, Binnie Klein, Anne Garland and Kathy Barkin sat down for an editorial meeting with Bruce Barber and Duo Dickinson, otherwise known as “99% junk DNA”. The discussion ranged from most embarrassing moments, to eating healthy, guilty pleasures and more. You want a singing telegram anecdote? Done. A tale about a pant-less surgeon? Check. A guilty admission of wearing a “simulacra of pajamas?” We have that too. Add these four intelligent and successful women into the Survival Guide gene pool and you never know where the conversation might end up.

Diving right in, the group talked about the most common conversation ice breaker; “What do you do?” Duo believes the question can be intimidating to those who have chosen to stay home and raise a family over having a career. Alternatively, Deborah proposes asking, “What do you enjoy doing?” Binnie offered the idea that you can break down all of your work and careers into “life chapters.” Kathy found that approach to be “novel”. Duo countered that a really boring person might only have a life Haiku versus a whole chapter. This made me think about the 17 syllable, Japanese poem that is my sad life:

I sit for hours

Longing for favorite show

I love Jersey Shore 

The conversation then turned to eating healthy, or how everything you eat is killing you. The advice was, avoid pink slime, stick to the outer aisles of the grocery store, no more than five ingredients in a box and make sure your food is fresh and unprocessed. Not to be outdone on healthy eating, Duo quadrupled the five second rule. Now we all have 20 seconds to eat food off the floor. Personally, I know I’m eating healthy because I only eat the new Dorito Taco and they’re made with corn, which I believe is a vegetable.

The group came around to my favorite topic, guilty pleasures. Binnie revealed her guilt over having on multiple occasions enjoyed schlocky TV whilst in her pajamas. Deborah broke all taboos by admitting to enjoying stand up paddle boarding. My guilty pleasure is going to church on Sunday with my family. Why guilty?  I go with the family my wife doesn’t know about.

Bringing up the rear, Bruce wondered how to make the best use of a child’s summer vacation. Suggestions ranged from a father and son cross-country drive, to getting away from technology and enjoying our national parks. I plan on putting the kids to work. Its 2012, both the Mayans and some other ancient culture that no longer exist predicted the apocalypse. Being a man of science, that’s all the proof I need, so this summer, the boys and I are gonna build a doomsday bunker. We’ll get to spend some quality time together and they’ll learn the practical skills of science, math, architecture and hoarding. Now you might think discussing Armageddon is strange but this is the Real Life Survival Guide, and as I said, “you never know where the conversation might end up”.