This question is a direct result of the loss of Steve Jobs this week.
I thought about how sad I was that he was gone, and realized that my pain was noting compared to the grief being suffered by his family and close friends.
Which inspired this question; What are some of the best ways to express condolences?
Holly Adam says
The best ways often come from random places, and often by random acts. I returned home after my father had died to find that someone had planted pansies all around my patio…..and the kindest sympathy note came from the wife of a dear friend-a woman who had never met my father and did not know me very well. Despite that, she dug deeply into her own rememberences of loss and sent such a heartfelt letter.
This is a perfect example of “Do unto others.” If all you can muster is “I am sorry for your loss”, then you might just think about skipping it. No one is sorrier than the one who has lost. Find something meaningful to say or do, or let them grieve in peace……
Kim Grehn says
Start with something simple. “I’m very sorry for your loss.” Listen. Share a remembrance if you knew the deceased.
Where I come from, we shared food, usually a casserole. Offer to help in Do not say something like he or she is now in a better place. Do not offer advice about the grieving process.
Tell them you are there for them, and then give them some space. But do check up on them if they haven’t contacted you.
The fact that you are there during their time of need is appreciated. They will get many condolences, but few people that will follow through and continue to be present for them.
Jane says
Any gesture is better than no gesture at all.
If you can’t think of something to say or do, then it’s OK to say, “I can’t think of the right thing to say, but know that I’m thinking of you.” or “I don’t know what to say, but I care about you and wish you well.” or “I’m not sure what to say, but I wish you fond memories of your mom. Let’s sort through pictures when you’re ready.”
John Nowacki says
Simple and heartfelt is best. Just making the effort is appreciated…
duo says
being a WASP, hand-written notes rule. It often means dedicating some quiet time, and a willingness to rewrite when you make a spelling malaprop (always), but clearing your head by writing about complicated passages is never a bad thing – I have had to write too many this year…
Jordan says
As others have mentioned, be honest, especially if you aren’t sure what to say. Just offer comfort. Do not try to “one-up” someone else’s suffering: “Sorry about your granny, I know what that’s like, I lost both my grandmothers within a month of each other and a puppy too!” It truly is the simple things, even the simple acknowledgement means a lot and not much needs to be said.
Jared O'Mara says
I have stopped saying ‘I’m sorry for your loss’ in an attempt to look at the positives of the persons life. I will speak in the present rather than past tense. ‘What a wonderful family man he IS.’ ‘She means so much to everyone for all she’s given us.’ At a very tough wake for a very young man I simply told his mom ‘You are loved’. Imagine the state she was in. Not much else was gonna get through anyway.
Erik says
The best thing you can do is pick up the phone and call someone who has suffered a loss. just a random call to say hello or say let’s go grab a beer:) the loss could be two weeks ago or two years ago.
Kim Grehn says
http://www.npr.org/2011/10/04/141013068/showing-compassion-through-the-gift-of-food&sc=nl&cc=es-20111009
More on condolences from NPR.